The Funniest Night of My Marriage

Somehow, the scariest night of my life turned into the hardest I’ve ever laughed. That pretty much sums up our wedding and marriage in general … but also last Tuesday.

After watching Aliens, I went to bed and dreamt that I was in this weird Hunger Games competition, last-one-standing kinda thing, only it was set in a shopping mall and we weren't fighting people, just avoiding being mauled by roving gangs of cats. Every variety you can imagine: housecats, bobcats, sabre-tooth tigers. Garfield made a cameo, which really messed me up because he's supposed to make me laugh, not look at me like I’m lasagna.

Anyway, about the time that I hatched a plan to escape, I felt something crawl up my arm. Keep in mind, Aliens had set all this in motion, so I immediately thought it was one of those little face-suckers that run around like Thing from The Addams Family.

Meanwhile, in the real world, something scuttled across my face. I'm talking about a cockroach. La Cucaracha right across my eyeballs. Naturally, I screamed like a little girl and jumped out of bed.

Melina had felt something moments before, but her dream-mind decided to chalk it up to my hair tickling her arm. She may have ignored the warning from her inner self, but she could not ignore me screaming bloody murder. Out of a deep slumber, she flung the covers to the floor and somersaulted off the end of the bed.

It would have been olympic if she had stuck the landing, but her dismount looked like what it was: someone hurtling off a king-sized balance beam in the dark. There was just enough moonlight for me to see her crash to the floor.

I stood there in horror at the thought of a neck injury or concussion. To make matters worse, Melina started convulsing. The numbers 911 flashed across my mind until I realized she was doing another instinctual thing: giggling uncontrollably, and silently, the way you do because you need to fill your lungs with enough air before you can properly explode. Which she did. From the gut. And we went on like this, howling until our sides hurt so bad that we couldn't tell if the tears were from agony or hilarity. #MarriedLife.

What a great movie. Totally worth the terrifying nightmares.