A New Holiday for Gingers!
No sparklers needed. We already glow in the dark.
Gingers don’t get many compliments for their color. Let’s be honest. Our complexion isn’t fair at all. It’s more of an open season for punchlines.
It’s cool. We’re used it. Which is why I was pleasantly surprised when my wife said that I looked sorta tan ... ish. Tan-adjacent perhaps? Her words were thoughtful-ish, but she was wrong, or fooled to be precise.
The beach photo is an optical illusion — a rare phenomenon occurring once a year on the summer solstice, when the sun hovers directly overhead.
For sixty blessed seconds, gingers briefly resemble our day-dwelling cousins while standing in the shadows of our big-ass umbrella hats.
Check our closets. We all own at least one personal solar eclipse for this hallowed holiday.
It’s a real thing, which is why I’d like to make it official and formally submit a few new calendar entries to the Bureau of National Distractions and BBQ Permits.
It’s time to celebrate:
Pale-Ass Pride Day
A clothes-optional, SPF-regulated eventChromatically-Divergent Awareness Week
Seven days of safe space for ginger-fication and vanilla jokes*White Awareness Monthly
Monthly epidermal reminders on the dangers of daylightBe Fair 24/7/365!
Fairness isn’t seasonal folks. It’s year-round.
Let’s get chipped!
Come out and support your friendly neighborhood overlords. The Surveillance & Sunblock Administration (SSA) is studying how long we can last in the light. The procedure is almost non-invasive and mostly free.**
Taxpayers needn’t worry about subsidizing our sunscreen. Losses will be recouped at night since there won’t be any need for sparklers. We already glow in the dark.
Mandatory Transparency Statements
*Jokes must be be cleared through the Ministry of Acceptable Humor.
**Technically, your taxes have already prepaid for your participation. We promise to squander it responsibly.