All Animals Are Equal
A true parable on power
Warning! This post contains:
animals of varying equality
one (1) synchronized asshole clench, and
Officer Fuck Face
Reader discretion is advised. So is a Master Mason on speed dial.
I was performing at a birthday party. A bunch of my songwriter friends were smoking bud, having a good time, until a cop walked through the door.
The tension was so thick, you could cut it with our clenched assholes…
… until the host walked into the room with an ounce of weed protruding from his front shirt pocket.
“Hey Jim! Glad you could make it.”
“Hey Mike. I’m not staying long. It’s a bit too ... flowery.”
Our assholes unclenched. The cop was cool. Not a big fan of flowers, which is weird, but whatever. We weren’t going to jail, so fuck a bunch of flowers ... what with their thorny thorns and their ... sticky nectar.
After the show, I was driving my friends Buzz and Brandywine home, but shortly before we crossed over the Ashland City limit, we heard sirens catching up to us. We were way out in the country, just before the speed limit switched to 55 mph — clearly a speed trap.
Of course, this cop was the opposite of cool. Didn’t believe a word we said. Tried to trip us up on our story, catch us in a “lie.” It didn’t help that I left my wallet at home, and Brandywine, the car owner, left her purse at the party. Total fuck-ups. ID-less, driving 25 mph over the limit, reeking of ... flowers.
Then his walkie-talkie went off.
“Unit 367”
“Go ahead.”
“367 we’ve got the Sheriff ...”
The dispatch trailed off as Officer Fuck Face walked away. We were screwed. We could faintly hear muffled voices requesting backup, calling in the drug-sniffing dogs. The Sheriff was involved, so we were all catastrophizing.
“God … bless America!”
Then the cop came back just as quick as he left and said, “I’m going to give you a warning. Y’all be safe. Goodnight!” and was gone.
“What the fuck?” We all jinxed each other. Who knows what it was, but we skedaddled, lest our luck run out.
The next day, my friend Cass called and said that she drove by us on her way home from the party. So she called Mike. Mike called the Sheriff. The Sheriff called our cop off, and just like that, it never happened.
What flowers? I don’t smell any flowers. Fuck a bunch of flowers.
Turns out, Mike was a Master Mason.
Governor calls him Gov ... kinda thing.
I have a feeling the next time won’t go so well.
This was the precise moment I realized …
that justice was a sham,
that the entire world works this way,
that some animals are more equal than others.
Side note
Someone accused me of plagiarism – said, “I can't quite put my finger on it.”
It’s hilarious, but to be clear, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others," is the most famous line in George Orwell's 1945 satirical novel Animal Farm. Let us marvel at the pop culture icons I “stole” here.
1. The March of Progress with piggies pays homage to
2. Animal Farm, which pays homage to
3. The Ministry of Silly Walks with
4. John Cleese, who represents peak evolution — more equal than any other animal.
For the record, let’s not call it stealing. “Paying homage” sounds more civilized for evolved silly walkers.