Karen: The Making of a Meme Villain
How a perfectly nice name got mugged by the internet
Warning! This post contains:
plosives, deployed at point-blank range
codswallop, catawampus, and other legal expletives
certified twaddle
the brown Mary Poppins
one (1) white peacock’s premium ass, and
a full pardon for every Karen in America.
Reader discretion is advised. Bryan can fuck off.
“I think Karens are caring. It’s not fair to paint them with a broad brush.”
“Shut the hell up, Janet! You’re worse than all the Karens combined.”
Those poor girls. Why do people have an irrational prejudice against these lovely ladies?
A bad example:
“BA DA BA DA BA DA BA DA!!!”
“Everybody down!”
“Bad” because I hate the sound of war. Only psychopaths like the sound of gunfire.
PA! KA! TA! BA! DA!
These consonants are called “plosives.” The word itself sounds explosive. Sounds like what they are — capital-letter loud, harsh, abrasive.
Plosives are why some Germans sound mad, like they need to hock a loogie.
“Come again? Were those words? Just clearing your throat?”
Too many plosives can cause confusion or inadvertently cast spells.
“Bippity boppity boop.”
I have no idea what that Indian dude just said, but I love him. He’s like the brown Mary Poppins.
Hawaiians have very few plosives in their lexicon. It’s why they sound so happy. We love their soft sounds so much that they get away with saying their words twice.
Karen: “Yes, I’ll have the mahi-mahi.”
Waitress: “So two fish dinners?”
Karen: “Did I stutter? I didn’t say mahi-mahi mahi-mahi ... did I?
Waitress: “Of course not. I’m an idiot.”
Karen: I’d like to speak to your manager’s manager.
Waitress: One manager or two?
Plosives, prejudice, and poor Janit
I submit that happy and harsh sounds create a certain degree of linguistic determinism. Karen, Becky, Debbie, and Janit are already explosive-sounding names — perfect for a punchline. And they’re likely Caucasian Boomers, so now we really have the makings of an internet witch hunt.
It’s perfectly acceptable in polite society to make fun of old white people who sound like an expletive.
Their names evoke a visceral response. First, we feel the sharp sound, then our emotions tell our rational minds to buzz off. Feelings bypass reason and go straight to the manager … if you will.
Plosives must have played a role in the origins of our favorite four-letter words. I won’t list them. Last time the algorithm called me a twat and banned me from your eyeballs. Instead, here are some cuss-word contenders that were too long for the short list.
Words we should say more often:
catawampus
cockamamie
codswallop
malarkey
twaddle
Titicaca (arguably a mashup of two 4-letter words)
I’m not sure why “ass” is an expletive. It sounds (and looks) nice. Everyone likes ass. Here’s my favorite ass …
We found a petting zoo near our house recently.
I never knew there were white Peacocks. Look at that ass! That ass is so fine the animal’s feathers evolved to look like arrows at the ends … for all the idiots like me who don’t know where to look.
Assholes are my favorite people. They just make bad first impressions because they’re too honest.
Speaking of honesty …
This is all probably a bunch of titicaca. I’m not a linguist. I’m just spitballing. You should all know I’m full of hot air. But one thing I know is that our dirty looks and attitudes are creating more Karens. I’d turn into a psycho b!tch if I was constantly getting societal stink eye. We’re the problem.
I think Karen’s cool AF, but poor Janet. Explosive plosives bookended that bitch. She never stood a chance. Same with Debbie Downer. The alliteration whores took her down.
So next time you see a Karen or a Janet or Debbie, give them a big bear hug. Lift them off their feet and thank them for all their wonderful memes.
