Peaceful Parenting Lessons With Boy-girl Twins

If you can’t stop your child’s temper tantrums, stick with me. If you are a new parent, this is important.

I’d like to share my shortcomings and successes in an attempt to provide an alternative to corporal punishment. I won’t make a moral case against spanking. Instead, my hope is to show that peaceful parenting is more efficient.

If you think spanking is okay, I hope you’ll consider the system below as a supplement. It can’t hurt (literally), and I’m proud to say it has worked extremely well for us and there are many lessons here for those who don’t have to make our mistakes.

Our experience

I’ve done a ton of research on the topic and have lived through 16 years with fraternal twins. I’ve had the unique opportunity to A/B test spanking and other systems on two completely different personalities. I’ve learned that every method is flawed unless custom modifications are made for individual personalities. So my first piece of advice is to take it all with a grain of salt.

Background

When we began spanking, our twins were about 3 years old. Immediately, I noticed a correlation to my twins hitting each other. Naturally they modeled my example and thought it was the way to deal with each others’ bad behavior.

After I learned what spanking does to the developing brain, I stopped immediately and began researching a whole new system. It took some reverse engineering, but eventually my kids stopped hitting each other, became better friends, and still like each other to this day. (Update: As of this edit, they’re 16 and still say goodnight to each other.)

I’d like to note that I recognize parents who try to ethically spank. I know a few who do this and have raised wonderful children. But one, even ethical spanking can easily get out of control and two, it’s not effective. An ethical spank/mild pat on the butt doesn’t deliver the message and would probably be preferred over severe consequences – or as I like to put it, “an offer that can’t be refused.”

Here’s how it works.

The system

After consulting a few books and several podcasts, I created a system that gradually became harder as behavior improved. Basically, you put a whiteboard up on the fridge, then write a list of a few bad behaviors that you’d like your kids to work on. Think of the things that annoy you the most and work on them first. If they exhibit any of those behaviors, put an X on the board.

One X is just a warning. We all have bad days and deserve a little grace up front. Two Xs need to be addressed. Consequences will need to be different for each child, but consider taking something special away like dessert, toys, or privileges (e.g. permission to go on a playdate, play video games or watch TV). Severe consequences are crucial because timeouts are usually a waste of time. Once, when I was a child, I actually asked to be spanked, in lieu of a timeout, so that I could get it over with and go play.

Three Xs in one day should result in an “offer they can’t refuse.” The base-level consequence began with early bedtime, as in right after dinner. Additional Xs could lead to a full week of early bedtime, taking toys away (up to and including everything in their room), no playtime with friends, no access to devices, etc. These consequences are actually worse than a few pops on the bottom.

Natural consequences

Use a little psychology to transfer their anger away from you toward their own culpability. Instead of making early bedtime sound like a punishment (a kind of jail sentence), focus on natural consequences.

Tell your kids that doctors are like bosses for parents; parents have to listen to them or else they’re not doing their jobs. Explain that when kids misbehave, it’s often because they’re tired and grumpy, so Doc said you just need to take a nap.

“If you don’t go to bed early, our family will pay high costs from sickness and stress, which will drastically reduce the money we’ve saved for toys. We have to follow doctor’s orders, because our health keeps us alive. We’re bummed out too, but this is the reason for early bedtime. You can choose to stay awake or turn the lights back on, but those actions will result in the removal of all your toys from your room. The doctor said it’s crucial to get your rest, so that tomorrow your brain can deal with stress.”

Just saying, “Go to your room!” teaches them nothing and will add to their ever-increasing contempt toward your authority and worldview. “Because I said so” is not an explanation. It’s a phrase that should only be uttered if you’re running an army base. Take the time up front to explain how the world works and your kids will learn that there are logical solutions to problems. They’ll also value your opinion and come to you for advice later in life.

We’ve used the doctor hack hundreds of times in many other situations (vegetables, exercise, and more). It works without fail because it not only validates what you’re saying via the higher power, but also shifts their resentment to the doctor and away from you. Eventually, they learn whatever it is they don’t feel like doing isn’t something to get angry over. Having to do things you don’t want to do, or when you don’t want to do them, is just part of life. When you’re unmotivated or uncooperative, the healthy response is to: 1. Take advice from doctors; and 2. Take a nap.

Custom modifications

Every system has flaws and must be tailored to the individual. I noticed that early bedtime began to be ineffective for Finn. Maybe he learned the lesson that tired = grumpy = bedtime. Maybe he just didn’t mind the extra rest. I already knew timeouts never fazed him. He’d just sing to himself or ponder the secret mysteries of the universe, the latter being something he did most of the time anyway. Fiona, by contrast, loathed timeouts.

In the end, I learned to take away what each of them loved the most. For Finn, it was books and video games. For Fiona, it was relationships, people, and family time. For our dog, Piper, it was the poo she rolled in. She hated when I cleaned that shit off.

The rule of three

It’s crucial that you only work on two or three bad behaviors at once. This exact number could be more or less, depending on maturity level, but the idea is if you focus on more than three behaviors the system will fail, especially when one behavior is particularly challenging.

One time, I took all three behaviors off the list and made “not listening” the sole focus because it drove me crazy and it was too easy to get three X’s by disobeying that one rule. In general, if you pile on too many bad behaviors, your kids will realize the system is unbeatable.

For this system to work, you have to be tough but fair. Adjust the numbers of prohibited behaviors and the number of Xs allowed as necessary, so that your kids don’t become apathetic.

They’ll act out just to say, “Screw you and your unbeatable system.” For other bad behaviors that weren’t on our list (and there were many at first), I’d either ignore them if they were minor or punish with timeouts. So timeouts can play a small part in the system, but as the primary go-to, they were mostly ineffective.

Be patient. It takes about three to six weeks to conquer one bad behavior, at which time you erase and replace. One down. Next problem.

Nervous ticks

Chewing fingernails is one of those habits that you completely ignore. One syndicated columnist, named John Rosemond, instructs parents to not put that one on the list. It’s actually a coping mechanism that helps children deal with stress. Take it away and you could actually cause more petty fights and frustration. Rosemond recommends letting your child have that one. Many children stop this or other nervous tics when they become more comfortable with life. Finn quit biting his nails around 8 years old after I made him a $50 bet that he couldn’t stop for a month straight. He won.

Lying

It’s one behavior that doesn’t work with the X system. Rosemond suggests that you almost completely ignore it. “Almost” because you should at least address the issue. It seems counterintuitive, but it worked for us. The most you have to say is “Don’t lie” or “I don’t want to hear it” and walk away. Never fight it. Shut it down. Don’t try to catch them in a lie or attempt to reason. Don’t give them the slightest clue it’s upsetting. Even if you prove them wrong, there may still be an agonizing, time-consuming back-and-forth fight. When those kinds of fights become routine, they learn they have power over you, to break you down and inflict stress. What’s worse, they learn that sometimes lying works. If it helps them get off the hook, they’ll fight for it every time, even if the odds are slim.

Go with your gut. Ninety-five percent of the time, if you have a solid reason to believe they’re lying, you are right. Five-year-old psychology is pretty easy to see through. Don’t punish them for lying unless it’s really bad. You be the judge. But in real life, liars lose relationships and people stop taking them seriously. So mirror this natural phenomenon.

We had a short phase, but I ignored my son’s lies for about a month when he was 5. I didn’t believe he made up the jokes. I knew the jokes he made up and I knew the ones he plagiarized. The jokes he made up were actually funny (for a 5 year old) and the ones he stole, I had heard. I simply said, “Those jokes are funny, but you can’t tell me that you made it up. Stop copying.” He fussed. I said, “We’re not having this conversation,” and walked away. He learned quickly that it sucks when your voice isn’t heard — when your stories don’t matter. That phase has never resurfaced.

Hitting

Hitting (outside of defense) doesn’t have to be on the list. It will always result in three X’s and a severe consequence. Do not tolerate violence. I’ve been known to take every toy away for a week or a phone away for three months.

That said, if you watch my kids wrestle or play at karate, you might think they have no mercy. But look closely and you’ll see quite a bit of restraint. First of all, they’ve been practicing how to kick each other in the head since the womb. Second, as a family we play-fight all the time, so they understand the rules. “Stop!” means stop and hitting out of anger is not permitted. The boundaries can be tough to manage, but like any other sport it requires practice. You learn to respect your opponent, even if it’s for selfish reasons. It’s fun to have fun and you don’t want things to get out of hand or game over.

Speaking of which, check out our 🎬 Gladiator funboard game.

Keep calm

Aside from insignificant coping mechanisms, small annoyances, and lying, stick to the system. And never let them know you’re upset, even when they’re hitting. This rule applies across the board. Never yell or get mad when you administer consequences. You might think it’s effective, but it actually gives them power and in the long run, the upper hand. In life, there are consequences to bad behavior and they must feel the full brunt of their actions, not your anger.

If you add yelling to the mix, then some children may act out just to get a rise out of you. For some children, yelling adds resentment to the equation, so they won’t even be upset at the consequence – they’ll be mad at you for embarrassing them in front of people. If you say what will happen calmly or take them aside and explain what will happen later, they only have themselves to blame. Keep the pain centered on them. Take the monkey off your back.

I even created safeguards around this prohibition. If I yelled at them, all they had to do was point it out and not only would the consequence be nullified, I would owe them five bucks. I also clearly defined yelling verse raising my voice and delivering a stern talk. Giving them the power to enforce the rules of a contract will serve you in the long run because they will understand the system is about justice, not arbitrary punishments.

That said, I don’t always live up to this rule. I still find myself shouting, because I’m flawed. At the risk of Finn and Fiona hating my existence, I had to create a system to counter my nature. As a result, instead of them feeling powerless or afraid when I yell, they remind me that I need to chill out, that I owe them, and that they don’t get an X per the agreement. Instead of yelling, I simply shrug it off and give them an X.

Stick to the rules

If one out of 100 times you let them off the hook, they’ll beg 100% of the time for you to go easy. One out of 100 is still pretty good odds for a child. Administering the consequence 100% of the time results in 0% begging.

It takes a little while, but they soon realize begging is futile. Also, keep in mind that begging and arguing are two different things. Arguing is good as long as they’re using reason, logic, and evidence. Because we talk about our issues calmly, arguing is something we do regularly. And because we make win–win deals, arguing has become a part of our family culture.

Many times, my children have used my own logic from past arguments to mitigate consequences. I don’t ever let them off the hook, but if the logic is sound, I will change my mind. Still, sometimes they just have to stop crying and explain what happened before logic can happen. If you’ve demonstrated that anger in tough situations is not needed, they’ll learn not to cry and shout during tough situations.

I mentioned making deals. Start making win–win deals in almost all interactions. Let them argue and make deals with you. A deal will solve almost 99% of the problems you have with your kids. If they want something out of the ordinary, I make them earn it. If I want something, I promise to play with them for a specific time period. Negotiation is an art that will help them immensely later in life.

If you never falter with the rules, consistency becomes second nature. You begin to see quick results. You create a machine that knocks out bad behaviors with incredible efficiency. They get used to the system and some bad behaviors are eliminated within days. They understand the consequences, and realize that defiance is not worth it.

Timing

Keep in mind that you’ll often be in a location that won’t allow for a severe consequence. Again, keep cool, make a mental note and enforce it when you get home. You don’t have to enforce anything at the time of the infraction. You don’t even have to tell them what will happen if doing so will cause a scene (e.g. ruin dinner at a nice restaurant). Plus, in your anger you may make empty threats you’re not prepared to enforce. Just think about it. Store it away. Strategically withhold the consequence until the time is right. Later on, you calmly say, “OK, it’s time to go to bed early because XYZ.” If you tell them the news before dinner, they may not eat their vegetables. It’s all in the timing.

Evolution and sunset

Finally, it’s important for the system to gradually become harder as behavior improves. After a while, three Xs per day becomes easy and the consequences dry up. So we all agreed to change the rule to two Xs per day, then eventually one X per day.

When they were nine years old, I abandoned the X system altogether. One day the kids woke up to see that I erased everything on the whiteboard and replaced it with a big heart. I later explained that we didn’t need it anymore. If a bad behavior resurfaced, I would decide at the time what the consequence would be or cut a deal.

Parents: 90% of your parenting can be done in nine years. After you nip bad behaviors in the bud, the other 10% is just being there, being a friend. It’s fun. Play badminton. Spend TIME with them. It’s all they really need.

Honestly, Finn and Fiona have been incredible since we nixed the system, even as teenagers. We still get some bickering, issues with chores, but we only need one “X” now. We just cut their left arm off (i.e. take their phone). That’s it.

Make a deal

Deals get really creative and are custom-made for the situation. Over time, my kids started to lay out specific requirements for games, playtime, etc. It was amazing to watch and often I wanted to jump in. Don’t do it, though. Let them negotiate as much as possible without interfering. In other words, let them set the structure and create rules themselves. This is how you pass the baton.

Finn came to me one morning with a problem and instead of getting out of bed, I simply said “Make a deal,” rolled over, and went back to sleep. Later, I found out that Finn made a deal to play with Fiona for an hour, if she stayed out of the computer room, so he could record his video game screencast in peace and without a bunch of noise in the background. She agreed. As time goes by, the rules or terms are better articulated. As long as we clearly communicate what we want and come to an agreement, then we get what we want.

Positive versus negative reinforcement

The X system is based on consequences or negative reinforcement, but making win–win deals adds the crucial element of positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement is more efficient because a child will often forego small rewards so they can continue living comfortably in bad habits. Your system for driving behavioral change cannot be solely based on a reward system. Positive reinforcement must supplement a much more robust system that mirrors real life – which, again, focuses on consequences. You don’t always get rewarded for being a good citizen or doing your job, but bad behavior is almost always noticed and there are usually tangible negative consequences.

That said, of course you should create rewards for good behavior. I also reward randomly, to show an occasion, birthday, or holiday aren’t requirements for showing love. Of course, reward them when they do outstanding work. This seems obvious, but what’s more important is to stop rewarding mediocrity. Stop saying “That’s nice” or “Good job” every time they do something cute. Don’t squash dreams, but be honest.

Eventually, they’ll see through the “Good-job!” BS. Around that time, they’ll also start to ignore you. Tersely replying that school was “good” signals they don’t have to be honest – an example you may have set by modeling insincerity. Take off the mask, roll the façade aside and give them honesty. Sometimes it’s hard, but they’ll come to you for the hard stuff if you’re real with them.

Finn and Fiona worked through most of the bad behaviors we targeted. As a result, I stopped giving X’s. That lasted for about two years, but we had to start it up again during a bad phase or two. Listening is a constant work in progress. My point here is that you should feel free to stop or start the system as needed. Backsliding happens. New bad habits happen. Your goal is to raise kids who are peaceful, obedient, and trusting of their elders, while retaining skeptical minds. The latter is possible because they’re not punished for arguing.

Unintended consequences of spanking

Some research indicates that spanking may actually lower IQ by two or three points. I posit that children who are regularly hit out of anger look at most adults with fear and contempt. They may not trust teachers because they equate the school’s force with the same force of their parents’ hands. Constant fear leads to blind obedience, apathy, self-harm and, in many cases, to abuse of others out of identification with the abuser(s). Thus, force begins the gradual decay of our families and school standards.

Many longitudinal (multi-year) studies on spanking that follow children for significant portions of their lives have documented correlations with teen pregnancy, drug use, domestic violence, criminal activity, Type 2 diabetes, cancer, depression, eating disorders and more. Spanking may “work” for docile children. Really, they just live in fear and begin their lives with a chip on their shoulders – a distrust of adults, or those in power. For others it flips a switch in their brains and causes them to rebel, fight, and perpetuate a culture of violence. What do you want your legacy to be?

Freedom

Give your children choices. Give them peaceful parenting. Hopefully, this will help restore broken relationships and lead to a much happier life. I thought I was losing my children during the short time when we spanked. Their anger and violent behavior got pretty bad for awhile, but thankfully, I discovered this system while researching peaceful parenting.

What do you want the world to be like? One of the roots to this answer starts with peaceful parenting. Please consider sharing this piece. Share the love!