Parenting hack: Let your kids roast you

Vulnerability is the new full-frontal. You’re welcome, Al. The algorithm lets me call him Al now. We’re tight.

Apparently, I have to write about my toxic trait. My favorite new friend nominated me. What are friends for? I always say public humiliation thickens the skin.

Thanks ! You’re the best ;)

It’s really hard to reveal in front of millions of people (who won’t read this), but I have toxic breath. My daughter makes me painfully aware, which is probably a good thing because otherwise my ego would say that my breath smells like leadership. He’s a feisty one. We both call this piece:

Tell me when I smell
June 1, 2013 | Twins are 4 years, 3 months old

Peeking into Finn and Fiona’s room.

Me: “If you guys don’t take a nap, we’re not going to the dog park with Kenobi and Piper.”

Fiona: “Daddy, we’re not going to the dog park if you have stinky breath.”

Me: “You can smell it from here? Jesus. All the other dogs have stinky breath – why can’t I?”

Fiona: “Daddy, I have to tell you something. [whispering in my ear] You need to brush your teeth.”

Me: “Thank you baby. I can always count on you to tell me when I smell. That’s good. Finn just lets me stink. I’ll brush my teeth if you take a nap. Deal?”

Fiona: “Deal.”

Me: “Kiss?”

Fiona: “NO!”

I know what you’re thinking. All the other preceding nominees are practically naked over here, revealing painful secrets they’ve never told anyone – and I’m over here talking about “toxic” breath. I’m a pretty shallow person … on the surface that is, but it’s just a front.

Behind the façade is a big-ass ego – emphasis on the ass. He’s a recovering perfectionist and a persnickety little bitch, if we’re honest.

The only reason I can call my ego a bitch is because we’ve done a lot of work to keep him in check. My wife and kids have to regularly beat him down with a stick. It’s great – so much cheaper than real therapy. Occasionally, though, it backfires and the Irish bastard blows up.

Self-control clearly wasn’t working, so I did what every modern man does when cornered by his flaws. I gamified them. Told the fam that I’d give ‘em five bucks every time I yelled. And because I’m also a frugal miser, it actually worked. Now the kids try to get a rise out of me like it’s their part-time job.

The same perfectionist also loves beautiful things and creates art, so I put up with myself. We have a love/hate relationship with me.

The breath thing finally cleared up one Christmas when my wife got me a waterpik, which begs the question: was it a gift for me or her?

I don’t know, but I’m still working on the ego halitosis. It’s a lifelong hack. It helps to picture myself naked when giving this speech in front of millions of people (who won’t read this). My ego immediately loses its erection. It’s hard to brag when you’re exposed. Shrinkage is always good for the ego.

Thank you for putting up with me. I love you all. You can always overshare and get naked with me for the algorithm. Al’s always watching, always turned on. That’s not weird at all.