The cleanest dirty joke ever

Warning! This post contains:

• one (1) d!ck joke, repeated at full volume for the hard of hearing

• burial plans, premature but thorough, and

• an emcee named Em, beard included.

Reader discretion is advised. The exits are clearly marked.

I love old couples who can say anything in public without worrying what people might think of Em. We’ll talk about Em in a sec.

I was at the Florabama Roadhouse, attending the Frank Brown International Songwriters Festival. It was Wild Women’s Night, featuring some of the most badass songwriters from around the globe. An Irish singer-songwriter named Claire Cunningham had just slayed the audience before my best friend got up on stage.

Traditionally, the night is hosted by a burly dude dressed up as a woman – the bigger the better. It’s all for fun. This time, my buddy Buzz, I mean Em, was the emcee.

The place was poppin’. Every walk of life was there, getting rowdy, loving life. An older couple named Everett and Jamie were sitting at a large table behind us. Everyone in the room could hear them shouting into their spouse’s good ear.

We all learned they were celebrating their 54th anniversary, which knee gives out during a storm, and the details of Jamie’s burial plans, which felt a bit premature but very thorough … solid plan.

Em was mid-monologue:

Em: “I’m proud of who I am. I’ve always been a woman, – always will be – and if you don’t like it, then you can suck my d!ck!”

Everett: “What was that?”

Jamie: “D!ck! ... She said, You can SUCK MY D!CK.”

Everett: “Well that’s what I thought, but ...”

Jamie: “Turn up your ears, Everett!”

They got the biggest laugh of the night. The irony here is that the old couple grew up during a time when Em was too taboo to talk about, yet they were laughing their asses off while several younger folk got offended and walked out.

I told Em that she weeded out everyone we didn’t want to be around. We ended up partying with Jamie and Everett and boy were they a hoot.

My friends were sitting with the couple at the large booth, and they must have told that joke 100 times the next day at Franksgiving dinner. Every time they reenacted the scene, it was funnier than before.

“D!ck! ... She said, You can SUCK MY D!CK!!!”

“Turn up your ears, Everett!!!”